Manic week last week. As music co-ordinator in a large primary school, the run up to Christmas is just INSANE! Concerts, assemblies, rehearsals, extra songs to be learnt etc etc. Last week was the music assembly of the term. We have one towards the end of each term. It's basically a showcase to show off individual music talent as well as for choirs, orchestra. recorder clubs etc to perform. This year, because I run most of the music clubs, it was all on my shoulders. BLOODY TERRIFYING!!
Got it all set up with the help of a colleague and didn't notice the huge amount of parents that had come to watch until just before. Bit traumatising!
Luckily, the kids went for it and were all amaze.
Best bit of the day? Huge bunch of flowers being delivered to the school for me from a Grandmother of two kids who are in the choir. I've never taught either child. How lovely?!
Full on in Christmas mode now at school..this afternoon we learnt a Christmas song, made Christmas cards (for parent helpers and TAs) and listened to Christmas music! WOOP!
Monday, 5 December 2011
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Not quite ready for sleep yet so pulled out the book in which I keep everything that's important to me for whatever reason. Letters,cards,photos etc. I keep most of cards in a box in the attic and I have a shoebox that's filled with my dads letters and cards. This book is for random bits that mean something special.
I've recently noticed it's got quite full! Looking through, as I am doing now, makes me realise I'm incredibly lucky. A lot of the stuff in here is from people I really admire and god only knows how or why I've been lucky enough to receive so much from them. It's quite astounding and I feel very honoured and humble. A lot of the stuff in here I wouldn't have got if it hadn't been for friends of mine to take the trouble to do things for me sneakily behind my back. Latest example, the post I received from Nicola Walker this week.
The first thing I put in this book is a card that I was given from Kerry Ellis when my dad died. That was arranged by a, then, friend and words cannot describe how much that card meant to me and still does. I've also got signed pictures from her and Idina Menzel who I adore. All sent through the post. I was lucky enough to receive personal messages from both which I treasure. I also have a number of birthday cards that I've been sent by people I admire. Some of them I still have no idea how they knew it was my birthday!
Something I keep in here is the order of service for dads funeral. Strange thing to keep in such a happy place? Maybe. But I like having it in there. I also keep place names from weddings,special photos, a very special letter I got 4 years ago, my degree result slip, and some random leaflets and bits.
People might say it's odd to keep it all in a book but I know it's all safe and very occasionally, like tonight, I'll get it down and have a look through. Makes me smile :)
I don't take any of it for granted and like I say, feel lucky to have got so much stuff that I consider really special.
On that note, I'm going to finish looking through and then get my head down. Busy week here I come!
Spooks!
I'm beginning to recover from the trauma of the final episode of Spooks. Absolutely and completely traumatised I was.
Anyway, the DVD of the final series arrived on Friday and I've so far plucked up the courage to watch.....the extras. LOSER.
So the final episode saw the conclusion of 10 years of the series. I've watch it from series 2. Used to watch it with my Dad until I moved to Uni where I'd make my housemates watch it because it was literally the best thing on TV. It's one of those programmes where you literally can't take your eyes off the screen. There's the weekly emergency/threat to the country, but there's also the ongoing storyline of the main characters. Who, by the way, they kill off all the time with no warning. Jo/Ros anyone?
One of the main storylines, or at least the one that completely captured me, was that of Harry and Ruth. Harry Pearce, the backbone of the programme and Ruth Evershed, at first a clumsy but extremely clever analyst seconded from GCHQ had enormous chemistry on screen and built up this underlying story of love amongst other things. Ruth left in series 5 (the actress Nicola Walker left to have a baby) and everyone thought that was the end of it. I was a little bit upset when she left BUT...and once again Spooks surprises the viewers by bringing her back 3 years later in series 8! All very exciting. Things were more intense between them in the later series and still nothing happened...grrr.
I digress. The final episode saw the storyline with Harry and Elena Gavrik come to a head. I sat watching it going 'someone's going to die' but not entirely sure who until Ruth and Harry were on the hillside. I remember saying to my friends 'oh nooooooo they're gonna kill Ruth!' and..well...they did. Gutting. Fitting ending? Maybe. Sad? Yes. Still traumatised? Completely. But there we go. Spooks is no more and I still can't watch the final series back after more than a month. A bit worrying.
But it's all ok because Nicola Walker (who by the way is potentially THE best British actress we have on our screens) is in the new series of New Tricks briefly and that'll have to make do until she's on stage again.
So there we go. Spooks left me completely traumatised but I'm confident I'll get through it ok ;) The DVDS of the entire show will keep me occupied for years to come and I will continue to make people watch it and learn to love it too. Thank you Spooks for 10 years of fantastic TV. You will be missed!
Anyway, the DVD of the final series arrived on Friday and I've so far plucked up the courage to watch.....the extras. LOSER.
So the final episode saw the conclusion of 10 years of the series. I've watch it from series 2. Used to watch it with my Dad until I moved to Uni where I'd make my housemates watch it because it was literally the best thing on TV. It's one of those programmes where you literally can't take your eyes off the screen. There's the weekly emergency/threat to the country, but there's also the ongoing storyline of the main characters. Who, by the way, they kill off all the time with no warning. Jo/Ros anyone?
One of the main storylines, or at least the one that completely captured me, was that of Harry and Ruth. Harry Pearce, the backbone of the programme and Ruth Evershed, at first a clumsy but extremely clever analyst seconded from GCHQ had enormous chemistry on screen and built up this underlying story of love amongst other things. Ruth left in series 5 (the actress Nicola Walker left to have a baby) and everyone thought that was the end of it. I was a little bit upset when she left BUT...and once again Spooks surprises the viewers by bringing her back 3 years later in series 8! All very exciting. Things were more intense between them in the later series and still nothing happened...grrr.
I digress. The final episode saw the storyline with Harry and Elena Gavrik come to a head. I sat watching it going 'someone's going to die' but not entirely sure who until Ruth and Harry were on the hillside. I remember saying to my friends 'oh nooooooo they're gonna kill Ruth!' and..well...they did. Gutting. Fitting ending? Maybe. Sad? Yes. Still traumatised? Completely. But there we go. Spooks is no more and I still can't watch the final series back after more than a month. A bit worrying.
But it's all ok because Nicola Walker (who by the way is potentially THE best British actress we have on our screens) is in the new series of New Tricks briefly and that'll have to make do until she's on stage again.
So there we go. Spooks left me completely traumatised but I'm confident I'll get through it ok ;) The DVDS of the entire show will keep me occupied for years to come and I will continue to make people watch it and learn to love it too. Thank you Spooks for 10 years of fantastic TV. You will be missed!
Update on life!
Forgot about this blog totally! Whoops.
So since I last posted, I moved house. Took a while but I managed to move just because the notice on my old flat was up (phew!)
I absolutely love my flat now. Especially the fact that it's all mine so I can paint walls and put things on the wall and not have to even think twice about it! I've repainted my bedroom and over the year have bought bits to make it all look nice in there. Have also painted the bathroom and got a new bathroom floor so it now looks a LOT better in there too. I was lucky in that nothing really NEEDED changing so the rest of it is going to stay the same for a while.
New furniture has gradually come in too. Got a sofa off a friend which doubles up as a bed (pulls out) and she also moved house so sold me her dining chairs, coffee table and tv stand for fairly cheap so things are def more matching now.
My Christmas presents this year include a rug for my bedroom floor...definitely getting old!
SO much has happened at work..people going on maternity leave, people moving year groups etc etc. Last year was awesome at work. I had the most gorgeous class and they were just angels for the entire year. I have 37 again this year which is hard work but luckily they behave and they're fairly bright so I'm pretty lucky. Now taken on all the music in school which is cool but means I'm uber busy! I run 3 music clubs and plan the music curriculum for 3 year groups. My year group are learning recorder this year (74 at once...ouuuuuuuuuuch!) so I'm not actually teaching music to them as someone comes in to do it. Hoping to move year group next year though so I can do some more teaching.
Had some pretty good social stuff at work too...3 trips to London to see shows (haha all my influence) with several members of staff. We had a child who was in the West End production of Oliver last year so we took a trip to see him..(cue the embarassing moment when we go with his mother round to stage door to see him and Kerry Ellis walks out and calls out to me and gives me a big hug..had some explaining to do there...!) then we saw Wizard of Oz in June and then the same child is in Billy Elliott currently so we went to see him in September. All lots of fun and good to spend time with my favourite colleagues out of work! Took a few to see Avenue Q on tour in May too and just booked some tickets for Legally Blonde in Brighton in March! Pretty amused at my influence there!!
Last September Laura and I dressed up in tshirts and fake eyebrows for Rebecca Lock's last phantom matinee. So so funny. All very silly and hilarious. Somehow got invited by her to go to their after show drinks that evening...all very drunken and silly. Brilliant.
Have visited the Albert Hall twice this year. Once to see Kerry Ellis in concert with Brian May which was good. Then last month, to see Idina Menzel with a full orchestra (meeep!) def one of my favourite things ever. Had a complete ball there.
My summer this year was...eventful. Went to the Navy Summer Ball with my cousin and her fiance and yes. Then ended up going to Devon with some of them for a few days...all very fun and er...eventful!! Then spent lots of time with my favouritest people Ruth and Craig which have all been great.
Work is stressful at the moment...music assembly on friday (basically a showcase of all the music clubs etc that I have to organise and rehearse for etc) and of course strike day is Wednesday when I usually have my clubs and stuff...minor panic! Then just a choir concert in 2 weeks (ON A SUNDAY!) hmph and yes. Busy!!
Anyway, extremely dull post but never mind. Update complete. I shall endevour to post more frequently from now on. Mainly for myself!
So since I last posted, I moved house. Took a while but I managed to move just because the notice on my old flat was up (phew!)
I absolutely love my flat now. Especially the fact that it's all mine so I can paint walls and put things on the wall and not have to even think twice about it! I've repainted my bedroom and over the year have bought bits to make it all look nice in there. Have also painted the bathroom and got a new bathroom floor so it now looks a LOT better in there too. I was lucky in that nothing really NEEDED changing so the rest of it is going to stay the same for a while.
New furniture has gradually come in too. Got a sofa off a friend which doubles up as a bed (pulls out) and she also moved house so sold me her dining chairs, coffee table and tv stand for fairly cheap so things are def more matching now.
My Christmas presents this year include a rug for my bedroom floor...definitely getting old!
SO much has happened at work..people going on maternity leave, people moving year groups etc etc. Last year was awesome at work. I had the most gorgeous class and they were just angels for the entire year. I have 37 again this year which is hard work but luckily they behave and they're fairly bright so I'm pretty lucky. Now taken on all the music in school which is cool but means I'm uber busy! I run 3 music clubs and plan the music curriculum for 3 year groups. My year group are learning recorder this year (74 at once...ouuuuuuuuuuch!) so I'm not actually teaching music to them as someone comes in to do it. Hoping to move year group next year though so I can do some more teaching.
Had some pretty good social stuff at work too...3 trips to London to see shows (haha all my influence) with several members of staff. We had a child who was in the West End production of Oliver last year so we took a trip to see him..(cue the embarassing moment when we go with his mother round to stage door to see him and Kerry Ellis walks out and calls out to me and gives me a big hug..had some explaining to do there...!) then we saw Wizard of Oz in June and then the same child is in Billy Elliott currently so we went to see him in September. All lots of fun and good to spend time with my favourite colleagues out of work! Took a few to see Avenue Q on tour in May too and just booked some tickets for Legally Blonde in Brighton in March! Pretty amused at my influence there!!
Last September Laura and I dressed up in tshirts and fake eyebrows for Rebecca Lock's last phantom matinee. So so funny. All very silly and hilarious. Somehow got invited by her to go to their after show drinks that evening...all very drunken and silly. Brilliant.
Have visited the Albert Hall twice this year. Once to see Kerry Ellis in concert with Brian May which was good. Then last month, to see Idina Menzel with a full orchestra (meeep!) def one of my favourite things ever. Had a complete ball there.
My summer this year was...eventful. Went to the Navy Summer Ball with my cousin and her fiance and yes. Then ended up going to Devon with some of them for a few days...all very fun and er...eventful!! Then spent lots of time with my favouritest people Ruth and Craig which have all been great.
Work is stressful at the moment...music assembly on friday (basically a showcase of all the music clubs etc that I have to organise and rehearse for etc) and of course strike day is Wednesday when I usually have my clubs and stuff...minor panic! Then just a choir concert in 2 weeks (ON A SUNDAY!) hmph and yes. Busy!!
Anyway, extremely dull post but never mind. Update complete. I shall endevour to post more frequently from now on. Mainly for myself!
Epic Post.
Also... I got epic post the other day.
Epic.
Just saying.
Twas from Nicola Walker. Total surprise. Have a friend who's in big trouble ;)
Christmas card with lengthy message and a casting sheet from the readthrough for the beginning of this series. Also with lengthy message and another small one inside.
EPIC I TELL YOU.
Right after a hugely stressful day at work.
Did the job.
Still a little squeeful. Do excuse me.
Epic.
Just saying.
Twas from Nicola Walker. Total surprise. Have a friend who's in big trouble ;)
Christmas card with lengthy message and a casting sheet from the readthrough for the beginning of this series. Also with lengthy message and another small one inside.
EPIC I TELL YOU.
Right after a hugely stressful day at work.
Did the job.
Still a little squeeful. Do excuse me.
Sunday, 8 August 2010
rambles of a bored/tired/sad person.
It's the middle of my summer holidays and I STILL HAVEN'T MOVED HOUSE. Stressed? Me? So much so. ugh.
Spent today literally doing nothing and watched DVDs of last year. 2009 was so freaking awesome it was ridiculous. Nothing will ever live up to I don't think. Meanwhile, I thought hard about the highlights of this year so far and here's what I came up with;
- work friends! I've made some fab friends at work and they are SO good for me.
- catching up with the girls now I live back in Worthing.
- being able to regularly see two of my favourite people in the West End. (blonde lady and eyebrows lady) had some gorgeous moments with them both that I will treasure for a long long time.
- moving house WILL, I'm sure, become a highlight when it finally happens.
- watching Charlotte get the World Record in May. Just amazing.
Future highlights will hopefully include karaoke weekend of win which is just going to be such a mess. Also a couple of work nights out which will also be messy. A new shiny class who can only be nicer than my last class.
I also look forward to some theatre moments...although I'm dreading it with a deep, deep passion, the Phantom Cast Change should be fun aswell as sad. Also some more blondie times with Henshaw will naturally provide entertainment.
Meanwhile, I had a blast with Rhea the other day in London, just amazing fun. Looking forward to more of that on tuesday! Then it really is it for me. I can't afford anything more apart from what I've already got planned.
Time to grow up.
Not fun.
I miss people in my life, I fail to understand how someone can cut so many people out of their life with not so much as a clue as to why...completely baffled. Horrendously rude and selfish on their part and I'm finding now that I don't miss them which is weird because I thought I would. hmm.
I miss my uni friends and wish I saw them more and I miss Nicholas SO much.
Blimey I'm in a depressing mood! HA. I'll cheer up :)
xxxx
Spent today literally doing nothing and watched DVDs of last year. 2009 was so freaking awesome it was ridiculous. Nothing will ever live up to I don't think. Meanwhile, I thought hard about the highlights of this year so far and here's what I came up with;
- work friends! I've made some fab friends at work and they are SO good for me.
- catching up with the girls now I live back in Worthing.
- being able to regularly see two of my favourite people in the West End. (blonde lady and eyebrows lady) had some gorgeous moments with them both that I will treasure for a long long time.
- moving house WILL, I'm sure, become a highlight when it finally happens.
- watching Charlotte get the World Record in May. Just amazing.
Future highlights will hopefully include karaoke weekend of win which is just going to be such a mess. Also a couple of work nights out which will also be messy. A new shiny class who can only be nicer than my last class.
I also look forward to some theatre moments...although I'm dreading it with a deep, deep passion, the Phantom Cast Change should be fun aswell as sad. Also some more blondie times with Henshaw will naturally provide entertainment.
Meanwhile, I had a blast with Rhea the other day in London, just amazing fun. Looking forward to more of that on tuesday! Then it really is it for me. I can't afford anything more apart from what I've already got planned.
Time to grow up.
Not fun.
I miss people in my life, I fail to understand how someone can cut so many people out of their life with not so much as a clue as to why...completely baffled. Horrendously rude and selfish on their part and I'm finding now that I don't miss them which is weird because I thought I would. hmm.
I miss my uni friends and wish I saw them more and I miss Nicholas SO much.
Blimey I'm in a depressing mood! HA. I'll cheer up :)
xxxx
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Dear Daddy
So..as it's Father's Day..I thought I'd write a long overdue letter...
Dear Daddy,It's fathers day today and I'm really missing you. It's been just over 3 years since I last saw you and it's too long.
I still find myself trying to phone you to tell you things...like the other day, I wanted to phone you to tell you something about school. When I realise what I'm doing, it makes me feel physically ill inside. I feel guilty that I've momentarily forgotten, then I'm angry because quite frankly I WANT to tell you things but you're not here. I'm soon going to be moving into my 2nd flat of my own and you won't see that one either, just like you haven't seen this one. It's times like this that I need my Dad to help me sort moving house. I got my degree...I never even told you. A 2:1...even with my lack of work! I got my job..I love it. It's hard work, but then we both knew it would be. I'm doing well, I think. I have a cat now..one of my own. He's called Milo and he's beautiful. Marmite died in November...he just couldn't live any longer. It was sad, but Mum and Naomi already had Smudge by then. We called him Smudge because of your favourite cat being called Smudge. Hannah's doing well..moving in with her boyfriend next year. How grown up! Naomi is at Sion, just like you wanted. Jamie teaches her geography...how funny is that?Bet you're proud she's studying that. She's starting to visit universities now. Remember the time you had to take me to Roehampton when the trains broke? I've made loads of new friends...Nat, Nicki, Gavin, Charlotte, Grace, Claire, Ellie. They're all London people. I think you'd have loved Nicki, she's hilarious. Her sense of humour is very similar to yours. Charlotte is amazing, she's now the world record holder for her swimming...you'd have liked her too. I wish you could meet them and I wish they'd have met you then they'd understand me a bit more!! Im still in contact with the girlies. Flick lives in Liverpool now and Goddard has just got a drama teaching job down here. Nicole has moved to Bournmouth. Cat's living in London but I still talk to her all the time. Other Cat is getting married! Ben and Christina got married in April. It was lovely, a picture of you came up from our weymouth trip all those years ago...you should've been there. I played piano and Hannah and Karen played trumpet. It was so lovely. Ruth and Craig got married last year...remember me saying they would? That was also a lovely day. Guess who's had a baby? Claire! I know!! It's crazy, so unexpected but he's just beautiful. He's called Noah and I went to see him last weekend. You should know all this, you should be here.
Angry. I'm still angry that you went. It was a little selfish on your part wasn't it? You left Mum to sort everything and deal with us 3. You left Naomi at 13 without a Daddy to see her through her teenage years. She's really going to miss you at her 18th next year. You were supposed to be around for that, dance with her, embarass her. You left Hannah...oh my GOD...the drama that caused! Did you have to? Because she's hard enough to deal with at the best of times..Then you left me. I don't like change and that was the biggest change in my life so far. You left this hole in my life that I just can't fill. You were my tower of strength and my reassurance for everything in life. I depended on you and loved you more than I ever told you. Seriously...why? We had to try so hard not to fall apart without you, but even now, I can feel this emptiness that is still in all of our lives. How could you leave Mum? She has no-one else. You were her everything and now she doesn't have that. That makes me more sad than anything else.
I'm not really angry with you Dad, but I am angry that you died. I'm angry with everything that came with it and I'm angry that I wasn't able to show my emotions and still have trouble expressing them. I've not shed many tears about it yet...they seem like they're going to appear and then I stop them. I have this bubble of emotion inside me that rears it's head until I suppress it and hide it away. This just makes me seem stroppy (ssh...I know what you're thinking!). I actually become this horrible person around certain dates, I try my best to stop it but I can't. I try to explain to my friends that I don't mean what I say but it comes out anyway and they don't understand. I need to stop it but until I've talked about it and let my tears flow, that's not going to happen. But you know as well as I do that I don't cry, especially not infront of people. Please help me Daddy, I need you.
I went to see your parents in half term. Your Dad isn't very well at all. It makes me sad to see him looking so frail, but his sense of humour is still there. He has a huge picture of you in his room. He's bossing your mum around now...he'd never have dared in the past huh? She's softened a tiny bit but it's too little too late to be honest. Nany and Grandad are well...she's got a hearing aid now so can finally hear us! Cousin Clare is going to Afghanistan in a few weeks, I think Helen is a little nervous, understandably.
Sometimes random memories come into my head that make me feel a mixture of happiness and sadness. Like the time you shook the chocolate sauce so hard not realising the lid wasn't on properly...do you remember that? It was hysterical..chocolate everywhere...even behind the piano! Or the time that donkey nearly bit your nose when you put your face down to it? So funny. I also still have the plastic magnetic letters you bought me and wrote me messages on my radiator. "Wake up gemma" and "sod it" hahaha. I left them just like that until mum re-decorated the house. Do you remember waking me up in the mornings for school? I resented you so much for all the water flicking at the time...but now I'd give anything to have you wake me up that way! I also sometimes remember how you got a later train to work on my first day of Davison so you could walk with me to the station. You knew how nervous I was even though I never said it. Or the time you bought me sweets at the little chef on our way up to uni when I didn't want to go back? I never had to say how I was feeling to you, you just knew and did things to make me feel better. I miss that. Mum tries, but she doesn't get me like you did.
I try so hard to remember the good things, the funny things, but sometimes all I can see is you in that hospital on the morning you died. I know you knew we were there, did you feel me close your eyelids? Did you feel Naomi take your watch off to wear? Did you hear it when I realised you weren't breathing?At the time I couldn't cry, it was too surreal. Naomi told me off for not being upset. I was upset, just, it hadn't hit me what was happening, yet I remember it all in so much detail. You would've been impressed with your funeral Dad...we all wore bright colours. Hannah read a poem and I did a Bible reading. Two of Hannah's friends played beautiful music for you. The church was packed...everyone came. Planning for that was horrible, no-one wanted to do it so I had to sort it...I hope I chose the right stuff, I tried my best to. Jane and June stayed with us around that time, it was nice to have different faces around!There's so much more I could tell you about, and maybe someday I will. I may even talk to someone else about it, I think I need to. But just know that I love you, you were the best Dad ever and you're in my thoughts every hour of every day.
I miss you Daddy.
Lots of love xxxxxxxxx
Dear Daddy,It's fathers day today and I'm really missing you. It's been just over 3 years since I last saw you and it's too long.
I still find myself trying to phone you to tell you things...like the other day, I wanted to phone you to tell you something about school. When I realise what I'm doing, it makes me feel physically ill inside. I feel guilty that I've momentarily forgotten, then I'm angry because quite frankly I WANT to tell you things but you're not here. I'm soon going to be moving into my 2nd flat of my own and you won't see that one either, just like you haven't seen this one. It's times like this that I need my Dad to help me sort moving house. I got my degree...I never even told you. A 2:1...even with my lack of work! I got my job..I love it. It's hard work, but then we both knew it would be. I'm doing well, I think. I have a cat now..one of my own. He's called Milo and he's beautiful. Marmite died in November...he just couldn't live any longer. It was sad, but Mum and Naomi already had Smudge by then. We called him Smudge because of your favourite cat being called Smudge. Hannah's doing well..moving in with her boyfriend next year. How grown up! Naomi is at Sion, just like you wanted. Jamie teaches her geography...how funny is that?Bet you're proud she's studying that. She's starting to visit universities now. Remember the time you had to take me to Roehampton when the trains broke? I've made loads of new friends...Nat, Nicki, Gavin, Charlotte, Grace, Claire, Ellie. They're all London people. I think you'd have loved Nicki, she's hilarious. Her sense of humour is very similar to yours. Charlotte is amazing, she's now the world record holder for her swimming...you'd have liked her too. I wish you could meet them and I wish they'd have met you then they'd understand me a bit more!! Im still in contact with the girlies. Flick lives in Liverpool now and Goddard has just got a drama teaching job down here. Nicole has moved to Bournmouth. Cat's living in London but I still talk to her all the time. Other Cat is getting married! Ben and Christina got married in April. It was lovely, a picture of you came up from our weymouth trip all those years ago...you should've been there. I played piano and Hannah and Karen played trumpet. It was so lovely. Ruth and Craig got married last year...remember me saying they would? That was also a lovely day. Guess who's had a baby? Claire! I know!! It's crazy, so unexpected but he's just beautiful. He's called Noah and I went to see him last weekend. You should know all this, you should be here.
Angry. I'm still angry that you went. It was a little selfish on your part wasn't it? You left Mum to sort everything and deal with us 3. You left Naomi at 13 without a Daddy to see her through her teenage years. She's really going to miss you at her 18th next year. You were supposed to be around for that, dance with her, embarass her. You left Hannah...oh my GOD...the drama that caused! Did you have to? Because she's hard enough to deal with at the best of times..Then you left me. I don't like change and that was the biggest change in my life so far. You left this hole in my life that I just can't fill. You were my tower of strength and my reassurance for everything in life. I depended on you and loved you more than I ever told you. Seriously...why? We had to try so hard not to fall apart without you, but even now, I can feel this emptiness that is still in all of our lives. How could you leave Mum? She has no-one else. You were her everything and now she doesn't have that. That makes me more sad than anything else.
I'm not really angry with you Dad, but I am angry that you died. I'm angry with everything that came with it and I'm angry that I wasn't able to show my emotions and still have trouble expressing them. I've not shed many tears about it yet...they seem like they're going to appear and then I stop them. I have this bubble of emotion inside me that rears it's head until I suppress it and hide it away. This just makes me seem stroppy (ssh...I know what you're thinking!). I actually become this horrible person around certain dates, I try my best to stop it but I can't. I try to explain to my friends that I don't mean what I say but it comes out anyway and they don't understand. I need to stop it but until I've talked about it and let my tears flow, that's not going to happen. But you know as well as I do that I don't cry, especially not infront of people. Please help me Daddy, I need you.
I went to see your parents in half term. Your Dad isn't very well at all. It makes me sad to see him looking so frail, but his sense of humour is still there. He has a huge picture of you in his room. He's bossing your mum around now...he'd never have dared in the past huh? She's softened a tiny bit but it's too little too late to be honest. Nany and Grandad are well...she's got a hearing aid now so can finally hear us! Cousin Clare is going to Afghanistan in a few weeks, I think Helen is a little nervous, understandably.
Sometimes random memories come into my head that make me feel a mixture of happiness and sadness. Like the time you shook the chocolate sauce so hard not realising the lid wasn't on properly...do you remember that? It was hysterical..chocolate everywhere...even behind the piano! Or the time that donkey nearly bit your nose when you put your face down to it? So funny. I also still have the plastic magnetic letters you bought me and wrote me messages on my radiator. "Wake up gemma" and "sod it" hahaha. I left them just like that until mum re-decorated the house. Do you remember waking me up in the mornings for school? I resented you so much for all the water flicking at the time...but now I'd give anything to have you wake me up that way! I also sometimes remember how you got a later train to work on my first day of Davison so you could walk with me to the station. You knew how nervous I was even though I never said it. Or the time you bought me sweets at the little chef on our way up to uni when I didn't want to go back? I never had to say how I was feeling to you, you just knew and did things to make me feel better. I miss that. Mum tries, but she doesn't get me like you did.
I try so hard to remember the good things, the funny things, but sometimes all I can see is you in that hospital on the morning you died. I know you knew we were there, did you feel me close your eyelids? Did you feel Naomi take your watch off to wear? Did you hear it when I realised you weren't breathing?At the time I couldn't cry, it was too surreal. Naomi told me off for not being upset. I was upset, just, it hadn't hit me what was happening, yet I remember it all in so much detail. You would've been impressed with your funeral Dad...we all wore bright colours. Hannah read a poem and I did a Bible reading. Two of Hannah's friends played beautiful music for you. The church was packed...everyone came. Planning for that was horrible, no-one wanted to do it so I had to sort it...I hope I chose the right stuff, I tried my best to. Jane and June stayed with us around that time, it was nice to have different faces around!There's so much more I could tell you about, and maybe someday I will. I may even talk to someone else about it, I think I need to. But just know that I love you, you were the best Dad ever and you're in my thoughts every hour of every day.
I miss you Daddy.
Lots of love xxxxxxxxx
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